A Letter

All I wanted to do
Was turn on a light in the darkness.
And you extinguished it.
You got mad because
I turned on a light
You attacked me personally
Because I turned on a light
In the darkness.

Whenever I defend my light
It’s a problem
I’m shut down,
Things are thrown back in my face
Things I never did, things I can’t do
You use your ability to function against me
And make me feel like I’m insane,
Warped, twisted, illogical
Babbling like a fool.
According to you, I’m selfish for not being able to function like you.
According to you,  nothing I do is even remotely correct.
So I doubt myself and my own intentions.

You can insult me and forget, I can’t.
You forget what you say, but you sure do remember my short comings.
You fall asleep easily while I cry in the darkness.

And you wonder why I have trust issues.

Always invalidating me, calling me crazy, in need of therapy, just because I’m defending myself from your disrespect?
Why am I supposed to let people treat me like I’m nothing?
Why am I supposed to trust someone who supposedly “has my good intentions at heart”, yet always tells me that my mind is warped,  and anything I say invalid?

Right now, you’d be reading this and you’re already figuring out how you can dismiss it.
You won’t listen.
You have no idea how my mind works, and I’m hesitant to open up to people I no longer trust with my thoughts and emotions.
They aren’t precious to you, obviously. I’m not even going to argue anymore, I’m just going to sit here and take whatever meanness anyone has to take out on me.
I’ll continue to let you call me self centered, lazy, trifling,  jobless, crazy, twisted and illogical.
I understand why you’d get frustrated with me.
After all, I don’t contribute any positivity to the household.

I’m just a cloud that no one wants to be under.

I prayed to God to end my life yesterday night, in the darkness.
My soul is tender and raw to the point where I can’t take it anymore.
I’m sorry for not being enough, doing enough.
I’m sorry for turning on the light.